Guidance Counseling: MC Trachiotomy

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Published  May 2013

MC Trachiotomy is one of New Orleans’ most notorious noise gangsters, saloon keeps and sender of sound men to asylums, so he’s the perfect host for the International Noise Conference, going down May 25th at Siberia. Featuring dozens of noiserati from near and far, such as One Man Machine, Rob Cambre, Tony Skratchere and Miami’s Rat Bastard (also INC’s founder), the Conference promises 15 minute sets and no laptops. Call it shock treatment, call it reverse psychology, call it on the phone or page it on your beeper… asking advice from Trachiotomy may not make much sense but even Clarice Starling had to seek out guidance from Dr. Lecter from time to time.
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The new hire at work is a real drama queen and is quickly poisoning the office atmosphere. But our boss is a pushover (we can’t imagine why he hired her) and won’t take any action. Meanwhile we’re caught in the middle. What do we do?

CALL HER UP! RALLY UP! MASK UP! PARTY UP! HOOK UP! KNOCK HER UP!


I am a bartender and every shift I am paired with another bartender with whom I split tips. He doesn’t ring up drinks and throws the cash into the tip jar. I’m conflicted because I benefit from his thievery (as the tip jar gets divided at the end of the night). He steals from the company, not from me. However, this makes me an indirect thief. What do I do?

TALK TO THE CO WORKER AND LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE CONFLICTED AND GRAVELY DISAPPOINTED WITH HIS WORK ETHIC AND SUGGEST THAT HE DISCONTINUE THIS PRACTICE OF EMBEZZLEMENT BECAUSE IT REFLECTS ON THE BOTH OF YOU AND BOTH WILL BE FIRED AND OR ARRESTED WHEN DETECTED, THEN TELL HIM TO START RINGING UP HIS DRINKS BUT GIVE YOU ALL OF THE TIPS OR YOU WILL REPORT HIM, BUT UNTIL THEN, DO MASS AMOUNTS OF ON LINE SHOPPING FOR ITEMS WITH THAT MONEY, THEN DONATE THE STUFF YOU BUY WITH THE EMBEZZLED MONEY TO MC TRACHIOTOMY AND PEARL STUDIOS NOLA, THIS WILL HELP TO AVOID THE FEELINGS OF GUILT FOR SPENDING THE STOLEN MONEY ON PERSONAL INDULGENCES.


I’m dating this really cute girl who is into astrology. I find that stuff to be absolutely ridiculous. I mean, I don’t mind musing about those things from time to time, but she maps out life and relates everything to our star signs. It gets super annoying and sometimes it gets hard to take anything she says seriously because of it. However, she’s super cute and really sweet. Is this ever going to work?

START WEARING A LEMME TURBAN AND A HOOP EARRING, GET SOME GENIE PANTS WITH MATCHING VEST, INITIATE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE QABALAH, CONCEPTS FOUND IN CHINESE ASTROLOGY AND YARROW STICKS, BUY A QUIJI BOARD, A MAGIC 8 BALL WITH 3 DIFFERENT TAROT DECKS, AND A BONUS SPIRIT ANIMAL DECK, PLUS A GAZING BALL FOR THE BOW OF THE GYPSY WAGON YOU JUST BOUGHT WITH HER CREDIT CARD AND ABOVE ALL… KEEP IT PHYSICAL.

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