Guidance Counseling: Buzz Osborne of the Melvins

Published  July 2013

antigravity_vol10_issue9_Page_06_Image_0001Look, if you need some kind of introduction to Buzz Osborne— a.k.a. King Buzz— you’re beyond help. As one of the founding members of rock’s most original, influential, longest-lasting, heaviest, scariest and funniest band the Melvins, Buzz has seen and done it all and we’re lucky to have him shepherding this month’s lost herd. The Melvins will be playing One Eyed Jack’s on August 7th as part of their 30th anniversary victory lap (that’s right, 3-0), so you’ll have plenty of time to soak in his wisdom. You’re welcome, world.

The internet’s got me pretty bummed out these days. Seems like everyone’s just endlessly talking shit and posting a lot of inane bullshit, but I’m stuck at work in front of a computer all day, so it’s one of  my only sources of entertainment. And it seems like if I swear off it altogether, I’ll be missing out. Damned if I do… what should I do?

You want advice about how to goof off at work? What kind of a do nothing job do you have that makes it possible to be on the clock and bored with the internet? You should WORK when you’re at work; after all, that’s what they pay you to do. One thing’s for sure, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to waste time online if you get canned for being an internet surfing, goldbricking stiff.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after living together for about a year. In addition to all of  the other headaches, we adopted a cat together and now we can’t decide who gets to keep him. It might sound kinda silly but we are both pretty attached. I found him but since my boyfriend makes a little more money than I do, he’s paid most of  the vet bills, so we both feel we have a claim.  How do we resolve this?

Your ex gets the cat because he paid most of the vet bills. I’d imagine if your ex-boyfriend paid most of the vet bills then he’s probably paid most of the other bills as well, so you should at least think about it from that perspective. Another reading between the lines hint into how it worked in your “on the rocks” relationship is you saying we “recently broke up.” This usually means YOU left him. If he would have left you then you would have taken whatever you wanted, including the cat, regardless  of if he paid the bills or not. Maybe you’d be justified in that case but who knows. Remember, you’re getting off easy. Next time you “break up” with some dude you decided to shack up with for a year you might be trying to decide who gets custody of your illegitimate kid…

Before I had my child, I swore I wouldn’t subject them to religious upbringing. I was raised Catholic but I haven’t been a believer or practicing for a long time.  However, I’ve started having doubts about that decision and now look at the church as something my kids might need, at least be introduced to. They have a lot of activities for kids for one thing…  and it’s one of  those things where being on the other side of  parenthood has me considering things like this. Where should I go from here?

Well, John Waters always said he was glad he was raised Catholic because it meant sex would always be dirty, so there’s that to consider, which is a plus as far as I’m concerned. Also, when I was a teenager NO ONE partied harder than the kids who went to church every Sunday. Actually, it was a tie between the offspring of cops or the offspring of the church-goers as to who was most likely to get hammered and do something REALLY illegal. Morality seemed to go right out the window in every department with the churchies which, as a non church- goer, I found to be quite exciting. Those kids were always a blast to get roaring drunk with and besides, most of them had folks at home who were twice as naive as Ned Flanders, so they could pretty much get away with murder. My parents were forced to go to church as children, which meant they never set foot in a church as adults. Great! That meant that I never had to go to some horrible early morning Sunday service with a crippling hangover… My Sundays were free. If your kid needs something to do or an outside activity, then get him involved in Little League. I would have mentioned the Cub Scouts or the Boy Scouts but they seem to be as embroiled in scandal as the church these days. But I never went to church and I don’t have kids so what do I know?

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