Greetings from your new astral arbiter.
My nom de preternatural guerre is Mistress Anthropy. It is a mitzvah and a delight to forecast the coming months for you. I enrich my astrological predictions with teachings from the Tao, the Kabbalah, and other occult texts—this wealth of knowledge, all coalescing to provide you with the most meaningful guidance possible. Astrology has fantastic utility, as a compassionate filing system for the species and also as a gentle way to confront ourselves. We are hapless pawns for the planets. Horoscopes are the poetry of our insignificance. It’s sort of like bizarro Carl Sagan—instead of thinking about how special you are, with all your sun-forged atoms, relax into your own miscellaneous puniness. And before you get all skeptical and free-will on my ass, ask yourself: how many of those pivotal choices of yours boil down to the difference between Coke and Pepsi? The zodiac may only be so much science-fiction, but science-fiction has the power to save lives—and predict the future.
We began the month and thus the year with a new moon, an opportunity for an inner slate-cleaning far more meaningful than just the Hallmark calendar holiday. Now that the fog of celebration has cleared, consider the year ahead. Some folks like to observe a month-long non-celebration known as Sober January. It’s sort of like a sinner’s Lent, a time to give yourself a brief reprieve from toxins. Whether or not you choose to forgo booze, I advise you to clean house of other poisons. Mars opposite Eris this month supercharges our ability to break out of ruts. Use that energy, along with the new moon, to get toxic people out of your life who are just hanging around, feeding off your good will. When in doubt, hang out alone or with a friend who is as committed to leveling-up as you are. This month, I’ll offer each of you a New Year’s resolution and some art in which to marinate. The full moon in the middle of the month will be a tense time of testing your tenuous new habits. Try to ride it out, and if you slip up, rebuild your foundation in the remainder of the month.
Early February will bring a Mercury retrograde, which presents further opportunity to toil away at the tedious labor of self-work. Don’t worry. I’ll give you more tips on how to survive the retrograde next month.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
“Ask first.” This is your resolution for January, Aries; at least it should be. Your version of reality so dominates your perspective that you might be missing signals from others—and consequently, opportunities. You might be trampling on other peoples’ needs, too; and for all your spark I just know you wouldn’t want to do that. I know it’s hard to be wrong. Check your recommended reading for a taste of some notables in the Blown-It Hall of Shame. You’re in good company, at least. Recommended reading: “Obsessed with Reality,” Carl Sagan, The Demon Haunted World.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Venus has been tough on you, huh? You might not have gotten all-out rejected, but you’re likely feeling a little misunderstood. Learn how to apologize and mean it. Don’t brood on your misgivings at home. Sometimes feeling neglected and bored is a reprieve from drama, in disguise. The way you usually cope with times like these is by treating yourself with special food or new belongings in the solace of your own home. This time, Taurus, your resolution is to travel. Not frivolous travel, not relaxation travel, not just- for-fun travel—I’m challenging you to take your neglected ambitions on a business trip. Recommended Tarot card: The Fool.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You might be feeling impatient with all your friends and their winter depression and their bad habits and bad attitudes. If you have a partner with whom you share finances, their capricious spending might have you rolling your eyes and stamping your feet. Like your astrological complement, Sagittarius, you can be sharp-tongued and harsh. Your clarity and wit are what people love about you, but that makes your barbs all the more poisonous. Your resolution this year? Decipher it from your recommended listening, since you’re just so clever. Recommended listening: Nina Simone: “Try A Little Tenderness.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
My introductory words on detoxing have special import for you this month, Cancer. Your resolution, unfortunately, is something you are a little bit awful at: letting go. You spent so much of last year nurturing something very close to you, and it might be time to let it die. Whether it’s a project that’s close to your heart, an intimate friendship, or a romantic relationship, it’s time for a harsh reevaluation. There’s little I can say to lessen the impact of this revelation. It’s going to hurt and you won’t come out smelling so good, either. Ring up a friend who warned you about your impending heart-death and see if they’re willing to lick your wounds. But don’t have sex with them. Recommended viewing: The original Canadian Degrassi series. It’s okay to cry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The new life you got around to building in 2013 is cool and everyone is glad you’re becoming more settled, but it wouldn’t kill to hang out with your old friends once in a while. Your resolution: get back to your roots. This will feel natural almost immediately because you’ve been itching for some kind of a change. You hate being constrained, and a return toward some of your original inspiration might reveal who is pulling the strings. Figure it out and get a little space from your master of puppets. The direction you take might have job implications, like for example if you shirk work you might get fired. Whatever, fuck the boss. Go skate with your friends. Recommended viewing: Concrete Wave and the Bones Brigade documentary.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo, here’s an idea for your resolution. How about you channel some of that famed organizational energy into yourself ? But this time, I don’t mean in order to drive yourself crazy and overcommit to work. I’m talking about scheduled relaxation, or to put it less clearly, scheduled unscheduled time. Here’s a great incentive: this will actually make you more effective during your work-time, since you’ll be cool and collected. This is particularly important right now, because your tendency to ruminate will be exacerbated by contact with another obsessor. Chill out to thrive. Recommended reading: Catching the Big Fish, by David Lynch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you were a magnanimous host during the holidays, you may be feeling a little drained this month. Revitalize and renew while you can, because the welcome mat is still out. This month brings a full house for you at home and at work. Therein lies the backdrop of your resolution. When you’re pushed, Libra, you have the natural tendency to waffle yourself into exhaust; instead, resolve to extend, expand. Instead of maybe, say yes. Your loaded schedule might create a contentious situation if you live with your sweetie. It will take more than your natural charm to dissolve that strain. Try to help them see the big picture. Ask for patience. Recommended viewing: The West Wing, to inspire your goofy grand aspirations… nerd.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, I’ll cut to the chase. Laugh at yourself. Humor is the only antidote for your epic vestiges of bitterness. 2014 is the year you will become as horrific and distorted as a gargoyle if you don’t loosen up just a little. Your seductive appeal will lure in a few new acolytes (romantic or creative, likely not professional). You’ll need a little levity to keep their attention or mitigate their departure as the month draws on. It will be tempting to wallow and fester about the misfortunes of the previous year, but instead of feeling cursed and put-upon, just laugh. It. Off. It’s not as dramatic as disembowelment, but it is a little more graceful. Recommended listening: Men’s Recovery Project, “My Body Is A Jerk.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your daring and carefree spirit lands you in places you never expected. If that place is, more often than not, the casino, you might wanna chill on that this month. Your resolution: a moratorium on gambles. Though you might be too self-absorbed to realize it, you generally operate in a Jupiter- supervised bubble of good fortune, benevolence, and abundance. Usually, the only misfortune you incur is the predictable consequence of your actions. Right now it’s actually not your fault (not that you’d ever consider that it was, anyway). Outside circumstances are intervening to wring you dry. But being a wet blanket doesn’t suit you anyway. Recommended eating: frozen vegetables. They’re fresh enough. Deal.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Happy New Year, you blunt, self- focused goat. If you can pull your head out of your ledger or your navel this month, you might meet a life-long collaborator. Your resolution is going to be to recognize when that’s happening. Otherwise, you might miss a rare companion. You don’t have to give up all your solitude, but instead of starving yourself while you toil, feed yourself. Like, with actual food this time, instead of churlish thoughts and rote resentment. Recommended listening: Red House Painters, “Medicine Bottle.”
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Here’s an unconventional resolution for a progressive-minded water-bearer: Lose the faith. Surrender your higher power. Not to it, just give it up. Indulge in a brief retreat into self-worship. I’m not suggesting you take this time to try to contort yourself into something resembling a lustful human Ouroborus. Channel your powerful faithlessness into your work. For Aquarians, who are pulled by the nebulous creativity of Pisces and pushed by the resolute work horse of Capricorn, this will prove to be a natural balance. You don’t need a heavenly master. Seek within, without earthly laws. Recommended reading: The Thief ’s Journal, Jean Genet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Even though you were a bit of a self- indulgent jerk at the end of 2013, you’re about to be showered with the affections of the Universe. It’s almost as though the Sagittarian luck bubble, which usually focuses the benign fortunes on your fellow mutable, has settled around you for the month. You will be showered with all manner of booty. So, in the spirit of luck, your resolution is to channel compassion for the friends who aren’t handling your winning streak so well. Your instinct will be to get moody, but that’s contrary to the detoxifying spirit of this new year. While your new sweetie is grinding on you at the bar, buy a round for your friends. Recommended listening: the Spice Girls, “Wannabe.”