Guidance Counseling: Ice Balloons

Published  February 2014

antigravity_vol11_issue4_Page_06_Image_0003Ice Balloons are a collection of Brooklyn musicians, ranging from TV on the Radio’s Kyp Malone to what the band bills simply as “a common fly.” Their self-titled album (available at features a cobra playing a saxophone on the cover, and that’s a pretty good indication of what’s in store: crude, stark, sexy, saxy, fuzzed out and buzzed out tunes. It’s as if this common fly were suddenly able to convey its POV to a world run by human giants. It’s not a pretty picture. Ice Balloons will be opening for Quintron and Ms. Pussycat at One Eyed Jack’s on Lundi Gras (March 3rd), and who better than a winged creature that feasts on shit and corpses to guide us through this most diabolical of seasons?

What’s the most polite way to let a friend know they got a bad haircut?

 Get the same haircut yourself and tell them how bad you think you look, while assuring them that they, however, own it.


I want to date one of my professors. I know it sounds like a bad idea, but honestly we’re both adults and I think we can handle it. I’m sure I’ll get a good grade regardless ( because I actually do the work). Can I just go for it?

Sex and academia have been inseparable since the first pedants crawled from the swamps. The bigger question is whether or not you can learn *anything* at all without having sex. And like sex itself, doing it is the same as knowing—i.e. don’t linger on the knowledge part, just stick with the sex.


What is the appropriate length of time to allow leftovers to linger on another person’s table at a restaurant before you take them?

Zero minutes. If it looks like they are kinda starting to slow down but they haven’t finished eating, it’s important to edge toward their plate and let your hands slowly float toward the food items you wish to take first, before some other person from your band gets there and swipes it out from beneath you. If the ‘target’ eater  is distracted, pounce! Now! You may not get another chance.


If you’re driving, does anything you say count?

Things are so important to say, to have that space where you can say things and other people hear them,  whether they’re asleep on a long drive or a bit wound up from too much coffee and they keep interrupting, asking you to pull over so they can piss, even though you just pulled over 15 minutes ago to get gas and they didn’t get out of the car, but how can you be mad? The alternative is letting them piss in a plastic coke bottle and with the van jouncing around it’s likely they’ll spill a few drops, which is kinda gross, the van smelling like piss and you’ve still got three weeks left through the South in the middle of summer, everything already smells intimate, so yes, roll down the window once in a while.


Can long distance band relationships  last?

Of course it’s better to go out with a band that lives in your area so you can do shows together and share practice space and drink at everyone’s bar, but if you really love the band, you can forge a bond that no amount of distance will loosen. Take Crystal Stilts and !!!’s relationship – they had some problems when they started touring a lot and then – not having sex, except for phone sex and skyping, but it’s hard to stay warm at night with just a tiny cell phone screen. We don’t recommend it.


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