Astrocreep: Sprung Forward

Published  March 2014

Are the days getting longer? Why does it feel like I am always falling back? Questions on my mind every year during this mess they call Spring. One March years ago a crystal-healer friend pressed a smooth cool orange crystal into my palm. “Carnelian,” she said, as I examined its red depths, its milky currents. “This stone helps you find the light. It helps all winter-weak and weary animals find the light. It helps all the turtles and birds in the Gulf find the light.” Don’t worry, my creepy sweeties, I thought those were bold claims too. That and all the “go to the light” talk sounded suspiciously like I was being prepped for death. There is a fine line, I suppose, between “turn your face toward the sun” and a good old fashioned sky burial. But unless you’re deeply infirm, you’re not at risk of being picked apart by birds of prey when you’re just getting some air, catching some rays.

Two more crystals on which to fix your focus, this month: amethyst for sober wisdom and black tourmaline for detoxification. Arm yourself with these stones, or at least their psychic properties, in advance of the full moon in Virgo on the 16th. It’s a formidable moon, one with varying ramification for each sign (and I’ll have my words with each of you shortly). There’s no crime in being feeble bird-food; there’s no shame in being the sunbather. Power comes with recognizing which you are, and that self-recognition is what the Virgo moon demands. Meditate on the late Amy Winehouse, whose moon and sun were in Virgo. Spring is the season where vulnerable buds try to find their way, like the virgin Virgan, The Fool. The young green branch blocked can grow around its obstacle if it can access its own strength, or it can die stunted.

Which will you do, my tender sprouts? April brings two eclipses and the full chaos of rebirth. The birds of prey are circling. There is time yet to build your bluff and feint if you haven’t the strength for a fight.


Some years you’re not ready for Lent when it rolls around. Your pleasure-fest may have recently turned into quite the non-stop erotic cabaret. You’ve learned to buff your rough edges and turn on the charm, thank fuck, but something isn’t quite hitting the spot. Mars in retrograde is a subtle limiter on how far you can sail away on your carnal juices, right now. You’re a cardinal sign, and you love to play to your strengths—getting a good thing started, calling it when you see it—but you need to be patient, though you hate it. Other people involved are dragging their feet for reasons that have nothing to do with you, but you’ll become a reason if you push your luck. That’s unfortunate, because as the solar season of your birth approaches, your need for attention swells. Don’t be afraid to fly solo on your birthday this year. Your friends love you and are almost ready to fill that vacuum that love can’t, just yet. 

“I’ve never seen you this way before,” a frank friend might say to you these days. That’s because, o fixed sign, o obstinate bull, o willful creature of the sturdy earth, you are going a bit soft. It’s all gooey sweet center, like a chocolate lava cake, soft-focused as though from a particularly fanciful glamour shot. Are you starting to entertain beliefs in magic? Maybe even god? That’s understandable, because your ruler, gentle Venus, is doing some delightful work on you this month. The full moon will be a night of exceptional tenderness for you, as detail-oriented, caregiving Virgo takes hold of the motives behind your desires. You’re in the mood to make vows and being a Tauran, you’ll tend to keep those. You don’t think of yourself as one to make vows lightly, but remember—you’re essentially bewitched. There’s no use trying to talk sense to lovers, but I will offer only: remember to eat and attend to other such mundanities, and be careful with all the hearts in the equation.

With Mercury back direct, you’re back to being the boss. More than any other  sign you are springing forward. This is the month to revel in your mastery and push forward full speed ahead. Possibly because you’re so focused on work, your intimate ones are pouting and brooding at you this month. You’re confused because you’re always focused on work. What’s new? Something is, and you’re going to have to let that thorn stick in your side until you figure it out. Around the full moon, a distraction will come in the form of belated compensation. Maybe it’s a refund from a health  insurance payment (if you’ve switched  health care and overpaid); maybe it’s a better tax refund than you expected;  maybe it’s a few months back pay on your practice space. Whichever it is, tuck it away, because next month is going to bring unexpected expenses. Some of the same hands that are furnishing this month may come knocking next month.

With Venus back direct, you are likely breathing a sigh of relief and wishing for a vacation, Moon Child. Matters are surprisingly harmonious between you and those most dear to you. Even those with whom you usually feud are flopping at your feet and showing you their bellies. An amicable state of affairs suits you just fine because you can’t stand cutting people out of your life, especially when you believe you can make things right. If you’re not in a committed relationship, this is a fun month to have meaningful, though perhaps not lasting, erotic encounters. If you are in a committed relationship—  particularly if you cohabitate and make long-term plans together—waters get choppy toward the end of the month. The sirens sing, Cancer: you are going to be tested. You will undergo a dire trial of temptation. Repeat after me: Don’t. Trust. Lust. Easy, right? It even rhymes. Go ahead and write that one on your hand, because April’s eclipses have a tendency to expose secrets. 

The lionhearted have become a little  contrary this month. You run hot, and when Spring approaches your energy gets a bit wild. Your heart is racing toward the chaos of Summer, but the world just hasn’t caught up. This leaves you feeling contrary. March is a month when you are inclined to ape the slapdash tactlessness of your Sagittarian fire-siblings. It’s okay to be wild. Your feral charm is what makes you so loveable. But try not to alienate your friends too much (with careless words or distraction) because  you really need them. They’re the ones who are around when you want someone to bolster your ego, feed off your dynamism, or just help you haul away cool junk you find by the side of the road.

When people mock your bizarre  organizational tendencies, your neurotic social hangups, and your irrational perfectionism, you can laugh with them. Sometimes, you’re the last one laughing, and you get to demonstrate why you’re this way in the first place. In the workplace and in the home, that dynamic will emerge this month. You won’t regret your double-  checks and bottom-lines, and Jupiter is smiling upon your associates: it seems you’ve attracted at least a few partners who can give you the appreciation you deserve for your discernment. So with the glorious music of “I told you so” ringing down the halls of the palace, and colleagues who treasure you, what’s amiss? There’s a panging in your delicate Virgan heart, old and familiar. There’s an ancient trauma casting a shadow on your ability to provide for yourself. Use your considerable powers  of analysis, your alchemical power of distillation, and discover its name.

It’s a time of conflict, of irritating discord in your life. Such imbalance vexes the diplomat of the zodiac. The problem isn’t you, your confidence is high and you’ve never felt more qualified. Your conviction has led you to be more creative in your work lately, and that’s not the problem  either. Luckily, the full moon will bring answers: the Rosetta Stone of a persistent misunderstanding, a secret that settles the disorder confusing  your workplace or social world. Hopefully these answers come before you’ve worn yourself out, Libra. You’re strongest when you’re embodying the characteristics of benevolent Venus, so nurture yourself with some superficial  self-care. Primp and buff, because  treating yourself to feeling like you look your best is good for the spirit. While the best revenge is living well, a decent  revenge is looking good.

“Don’t use a cannon when a knife will do just fine,” a Scorpio friend once told me. “Isn’t that how the expression goes, anyway?” she asked. To this day I am certain that no such expression exists. Regardless, the sentiment is apt for a month where you’re sprinting for more ammo. We both know you’re a warrior, but sometimes you forget you’re also an alchemist, with the power of separation: sifting out the precious from the toxic. Perform the sieving. Discard the poison. The muscle memory will kick in. These are harsh conditions but these are the conditions under which you thrive. You are a desert creature, you are a swamp creature, you are a creature of such extremity, you were built to survive here. And remember, it takes more muscles to fire a cannon than slice with a knife. Isn’t that how the expression goes, anyway?

Good news. Jupiter, your jolly ruler, the divine influence that makes your luck so juicy, has finally gone direct.  Once more you can don that curious reality-armor your friends so admire, with its aura of invincibility. If this power feels tangible to you, direct it at your home life. I am talking about  the utmost in materiality here, Archer. If you’re on the lookout for new digs, actively seeking a room to rent, or even interviewing prospective roommates in an established home, be focused. Watch out for people trying to screw you over, whether it’s the friend of a friend (who claims to be a neat freak now) or that effusively friendly landlord. I did say good news, and I wasn’t trying to pander to your famed optimism. The good news is that you’re resilient as well as lucky. But don’t test the strength of your fortune. Tiny cracks could become chasms next month. 

Stale standing water doesn’t smell so good. You may have been feeling uncomfortably stagnant for some time now. The most rankling part of this, for a hard worker like you, is that it’s in multiple sectors, this rut. No movement in the workplace, lethargy in love. I can’t offer you a prediction of a dramatic and dazzling comeback, Capricorn. I’m not that kind of astrologer and you’re no fool. You’re the pragmatist of the zodiac. What I can offer you, though, is a sympathetic suggestion. Make this rut comfortable. Make it your home. Home has always been your source of solace. Let it soothe you. And from one severe person to another, you know what’s a serious matter deserving of your grave attention? Comedy. Check out that funny TV show or stand up that you keep hearing about, and let it captivate you. There is an important lesson for your survival hidden here, in plain sight.

Worldaware traveler, as much as you want your plans, relationships, and communications to be simple and straightforward, you can’t unsuck the crossed wires this month. On the bright  side, this does affirm your secret belief that it’s better just to keep your head down and focus on your work. You’re a glad cog, which is a tongue-twister and itself a complicated concept. It brings to mind the rays of soft light emanating from stoic workers in Soviet propaganda of yore. That’s you, the angular, gear-like figure in toil who seeks to illuminate society with steadiness of your labor, the worth of your relaxation. You’re a noble figure, Aquarius. I am not trying to mock you. I simply wish to ask: by becoming this poster child, what have you lost? What vulnerabilities and frustrations does the water-bearer conceal?

Whether your birthday was this month or last, and regardless of whether or not you’re a devout observer of party gras, the beginning of this month was a potent time for you. With the new moon in Pisces, the world was playing by your visionary rules. So now you’re another year older (or you’re about to be). Visualizing the first days of the next year of one’s life is too much pressure to put on anyone, even shoulders as scaley and sinewy strong as yours. Instead, let’s imagine this nascent year differently. The interval encompassing your birthday, the new moon, and the full moon is like the malleable period in a child’s development. The years when their brain is still forming, soft, impressionable, all raw potential. As adults, I’m sure we all wish Mom and Dad would have fought less, fed us veggies, taken us to kiddie martial arts  classes and Mandarin/Spanish/Russian immersion school or whatever. There’s not much we can do about what we were subject to at our most vulnerable. But right now, Pisceans, you have an opportunity to expose yourself to new material and have it stick. Your spirit is a smooth expanse of turquoise emulsion. Pick your film with caution and pride. Self-parenting is an art.


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