Guidance Counseling: Sirens

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Published  April 2014

antigravity-magazine-new-orleans_Page_08_Image_0003On April 18th at Gasa Gasa, Kimberly Vice and Michelle Ausman—the silky voices of Sirens, will release their first LP Blossom Talk on Community Records along with label owners and mates All People. The release party will also serve as an art opening for artist Brent Houzenga and feature spoken word and drag performances to boot. Until then, they will lend their voices—without ukulele accompaniment—to solve the many vexing problems of our readership. Sort us out, ladies.

 

I keep having a recurring dream where Mulder and Scully are my parents. How would you interpret this and is there a way to discuss dreams without it sounding boring to everyone else?

Our first reaction is jealousy, honestly. That’s rad as hell. Except we’re both kind of attracted to Scully. Which is weird, but that’s Freudian enough to work out okay. I wouldn’t be too worried about these recurring dreams though. Unless you have a Netflix addiction, we personally are a little scared for your psyche. Especially if after you’re done finishing X-Files, you find yourself watching entire seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond. Yikes. Definitely discuss them though. People will envy you, think you’re cool and blog about it later if they’re smart. Hell, we would read it! And if they’re bored they obviously don’t BELIEVE and we don’t want to associate with those folks anyways.

 

I live with a couple and I can hear them fight sometimes. It could be anything from money to sex and it’s super awkward. Also, it makes me uncomfortable because I come from a divorced family and it triggers some bad memories. How can I let them know?

Two words. Boobie traps. Enough said. If we continue with advice we could be considered accomplices. Or you could be helpful and spread some love. Maybe blast some porn when you get home to drown out the screaming, make them feel awkward or encourage some sexual healing. Drop off a basket of goodies. Maybe some helpful how- to-make-my-petty-relationship-work books, a Marvin Gaye cassette, lube and—if you’re giving and willing to see things work between your annoying roommates—anal beads. Hey, everybody gets curious. If it works, you best have kept those receipts. I’d bill ‘em.

 

One of my friends “shushed” me the other day and I was too stunned to respond… but now I’m pissed. Should I bring it up, wait for my own “shushing” opportunity, or just forget it?

To be shushed is waaaaay immature and we’re sorry you had to go through that and not actually lay ‘em out. Neither of us would hang out with a cat like that, but if they’re unavoidable, we would probably make one big ass joke out of it like we do everything. Shush them every chance you get, laugh sardonically and walk away. If she doesn’t like it maybe she’ll avoid you. Or you could just refer to her as “the shusher” to everyone, ever. Even her. Maybe she’ll get the hint.

 

My mom tends to complain a lot to the wait staff and just be high maintenance in general when we go out to eat. As someone who works in the service industry, it’s hard to sit through because I know what the waiter is going through, but it’s hard to explain to my mom why she’s being difficult. How can I get her to settle down when we go out?

Usually the Moms are hard to sway. Our advice is bring her where the music’s loud, get her trashed and order everything at once. Betcha dinner dates with Mom will be more enjoyable for the both of you. If this doesn’t work, buffet it. If that doesn’t work, cooking at home and sharing recipes isn’t too bad either. Plus, drinks would be cheaper. If none of this works, when in doubt, crawfish. Merry Spring!

 

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