Astrocreep: Mother’s Day is May 11 and Other Helpful Reminders

Published  May 2014

astrocreepWell met, my esteemed creepy sweeties. May begins with my favorite holiday, May Day, the international worker’s holiday. May Day also has roots in pagan spring celebrations, and doesn’t that seem like what an astrologer would be more interested in? Not this one. This May Day, whether you’re on the clock or off, take stock of the work you do. What labor do you perform that’s not in your job description? Do you take care of your boss, your co-workers, and your customers/clients in ways that are subtle and unspoken? There is always a dimension to our work that is implicitly expected, but not fully articulated and therefore under-compensated (if compensated at all). This May Day, notice all the work you perform that cannot be remunerated. Can you do less of it? Can you emotionally divest from your boss? No matter what the answer is, light a white candle this month, in advance of the powerful Scorpio full moon on May 14, and speak this incantation: all my love return to me. The worker and the boss have nothing in common. Abracadabra, astral-anarcho-syndicalism.

If for some reason you can’t get compensated for all the work you do (which is the case for most of us–these are the conditions under which we labor in this lifetime so far), try negotiating. Can you get what you need in other creative ways? I won’t explicitly endorse shoplifting in this column—that is the work of the erstwhile Slingshots-hawking columnist Derek “not Derrick Jensen” Zimzam. But perhaps there are more benefits available to you, in the workplace and in your relationships, than you are currently accessing. The stars smile on creative ways to get your needs met this month. Ask, seek, find.



This month, you are pulsating with sexual energy. Gross! Your libido experiences a mighty surge with the waxing of the full moon in Scorpio on the 14th. There’s a psychological and cerebral dimension to your carnal urges this month. It reminds me of a little number by Dead Prez: “Mind Sex.” In this anthem of intercourse, they croon: “It’s time for some mind sex, we ain’t got to take our clothes off yet/We can burn the incense, and just chat/Relax, I got the good vibrations/Before we make love let’s have a good conversation.” As in this timeless hymn of horniness, your preferred foreplay is of the mental variety in May. Like the narrator of that elegant ballad, you are willing to take your time and engage on an intellectual level–as long as, at some point, you can get that ass. Go forth and pollinate, Aries. Just remember Ms. Anthropy’s Two Golden Rules of Doin’ It: 1) Consent is an enthusiastic “yes!” (not the absence of a no), and 2) Get yourself off before the date so you can focus: harder, better, faster, stronger.



In Bruce Lee’s final film, Enter the Dragon, he utters the quintessential description of the warrior state of mind: “Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come.” This May, I entreat you to become a psychic warrior. I want you in good spiritual shape for the mind- battles to come. You took some kind of big hit at the end of April, around the solar eclipse, and as you digest both that and your birthday, you’ll have the impulse to shirk difficult or annoying situations at work and in your friendships. My suggestion is to manage that impulse by recognizing what elements of those situations are beyond your control–as Mars is in retrograde–and approach the rest with a taut, effortless mindfulness. And remember Lee’s words: “When the opponent expands, I contract. When he contracts, I expand. And when there is an opportunity, I do not hit. It hits all by itself.”



As your birthday looms, you feel a nagging desire to enjoy the fruits of all your labor–but you’re still staring down the barrel of a substantial “to do” list. You’re no stranger to the idea that some work is fulfilling and satisfying enough to be considered a form of recreation (well you know sort of, on the good days). It’s one of capitalism’s many travesties that we often are defined (even by ourselves) by the labor we perform or the wage we earn. But it doesn’t necessarily make you a brainwashed worker bee to take pride in what you do. If you have the privilege of loving what you do, that’s great. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford loves what he does. Did you know he’s a Gemini? Perhaps he should pay special heed to my main advice for y’all this month: cleanse thyself. Take a break from your toxin of choice, drink the hot lemon water (like Dick Dale advised in last month’s issue) in the morning, and get enough sleep this month–even if it means skipping out on socializing. The work/sleep/work/sleep routine will pay off as the summer approaches.



It’s well-known, to the point of banality, that you’re the nurturing type. This month, when you burden yourself by trying to take care of someone–even in small or ordinary ways–just imagine what it would be like to direct that nurturing energy at yourself. That exercise may feel alien. Self-care is strange. Sometimes the easiest way to manage your daily activities of living and maintenance is by imagining oneself as a child who has been entrusted into your care. It’s bizarre, but you know, we live in a schizophrenic and broken society. If you take my advice in May and attempt to redirect your formidable powers of healing inward, you will notice new truths about yourself and your closest relationships. It’s not all chicken soup for the soul though. If your romantic relationship has been stagnating or going through a rough spot, this exercise will expose to you whether the problems were mere wrinkles, or if y’all are basically done and just using each other as dildos and/or punching bags.



Long-awaited changes are starting to happen, particularly on the home front, and you feel the urge to celebrate–plus, you can already feel summer on its way! Summer’s fire is already smoldering in you, so tend to your hearth. Clean your house, redecorate. If you’re willing to share your magnetic charm with others, throw a party, oh you who are generous of heart. Your liveliness extends into your love life as you are feeling particularly flirtatious this month. If you’re unattached or otherwise available, the affections of an old friend far away may draw your attention. If you’re attached, channeling your friskiness toward your partner will infuse your romance with some much-needed levity. Remember, not everyone is feeling playful and unburdened– tread carefully, especially around those with whom you have unfinished business.



It’s time to move some of your worries from your mind out into the world. You’ll get a new rush of anxious energy at the beginning of the month (holy shit it’s already May/ where did my tax return go?). Take that energy, cool it down a little, and take a deep breath. Sometimes, when you try to resolve your friends’ or co-workers’ problems, they feel like you’re lecturing them. In reality, you are just neurotic and long-winded, and tend to think situations to death before you bring them up with others. If you slow your roll you will get better results (put some Kava Kava or Valerian in your tea if you’re out of Tussin). Make it clear that you’re not trying to be preachy or overbearing, and people will be more forgiving. Get the hard conversations out of the way this month and the new moon in Gemini will feel like a cleansing wave.



Sometimes, Libra, you play opossum. You’re not alone in this. Often (for reasons of strategy or conditioning) people learn to appear less strong or confident than they really are. This type of feint can seem like a useful adaptation. But remember, performance constructs self. We have no souls. We are just a collection of moments, desires, memories, and repeated acts. (You can call that collection your soul if you like. I don’t mind.) Thus, you will eventually become less powerful if you act less powerful. We become what we imitate in ways we can’t always perceive. So even if it’s as subtle as an inquisitive tilt at the end of declarative statements, or prefacing statements with “I feel like” instead of “I think” (or nothing at all), stop it. This May, don’t try to be less strong than you are. You’re killin it. Keep doing what you do.



All the work you have to do wouldn’t be such a problem if you had an extra couple of weeks, or didn’t have any bodily, social, or emotional needs. But you do. Once you address your poor, shot nerves, you can address structural issues, like your rampant over-scheduling of yourself. I don’t mean to suggest that all your labor has been for naught, though. You take on so much because you have a vision, and this month you will reap some rewards for it. (Unfortunately, less work is not one of those rewards.) Folks who respect what you do and why you do it will support you (if you ask clearly for what you need) and your loved ones will be by your side. So fear not. Your fear of being alone will not come true. My favorite Scorpio author JG Ballard once said: “I would sum up my fear about the future in one word: boring.” That fear won’t come true for you, either.



Once, a Sagittarian gal dropped the following conversational bomb on myself and a group of friends: “Ugly guys give the best head, right?” I felt a little perplexed and tongue-tied at the statement–like, where to even begin? And what would the implications of my answer be? But her manner was untroubled and curious. That’s your girl, Sag. That’s you. Your spirit of inquisitiveness will lead you on a sexual adventure this month. Just try to remember that people sometimes feel like more than notches in a bedpost, even if they aren’t actually more than that to you. I found a note of caution in the new moon in Gemini (your complementary opposite). There’s potential for a new beginning, something with commitment, lurking toward the end of the month, in a situation that contains more than it’s letting on right now.



If you’re feeling moody and overworked, take any opportunity you can for a break–find your footholds where you can. May will be a month of unexpected encounters from the past and socially diverse events. A Capricorn-rising friend of mine thrives in these types of situations (well, his sun is in Aries). He even seems to attract them. These occasions happen so often, and with such zest, that he and I named them: randoshana. So whether or not you observe randoshana, or practice whatever religion keeps that High Holy day (probably Discordianism), beware. Embracing it is probably the safest route: just stay rested if you can and try to go with the flow (even if your hooves are firmly planted on the ground).



Some full moons hold the power of revealing hidden truths, water- bearer, and this month the full moon in Scorpio could do just that for you. If you’ve been less-than-faithful with your partner, beware: moments of exposure are impending. Thanks to the interminable inquisitiveness of Scorpio, even wishful thoughts and secret desires may come to the surface around this time. It would behoove you to be up front if you have anything to declare (just like at customs), otherwise you’ll get (astrally) cavity-searched. There’s more, too–during May, ills you try to repress will manifest themselves as bodily pain. On the bright side, if you’re the carefree and unattached type (in any arena) this could be a month of new beginnings and personal revelations.


In May, you and someone you plan trips with will have fights about money, and you’ll brood around alone about it, and you’ll feel more compelled to seek out the company of acquaintances than friends. All of these events are connected. The thread running through it all is your individualism. Your sense of self is undergoing a transformation, and in order to identify your new traits you need to recontextualize your identity–see yourself up against other people, in other situations, against other challenges and with different resources. Because of your creativity and versatility, this process will involve a lot of experimentation. Try to maintain as comfortable and nurturing of a home life as possible during this time, and decorate your inner chambers with reminders of who you have been at your finest.


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