Guidance Counseling: Red Fang

Published  May 2014

antigravity_vol11_issue7_Page_06_Image_0003For this month’s advice we’re tapping Portland metalheads Red Fang, who just dropped Whales and Leeches (produced by Chris Funk of the Decemberists) on Relapse Records. Chunky riffs, thunderous drums, and the overall piney grit of the Pacific Northwest haven’t kept these dudes from a healthy sense of humor, as evidenced by their video for “Blood Like Cream,” which features Fred Armisen among hordes of beer-hungry hipster zombies (in possible revenge for Portlandia, Fred is quickly dispatched). You can catch them May 24th at the House of Blues Parish room. We got drummer John Sherman (second from right) to sit in as this month’s counselor. Bang away, John.


Is making your grandmother happy a stupid reason to get married?

Yes.

 

What is the etiquette around Google glasses? Like if someone’s wearing them, which means they could be secretly filming or taking pictures of anyone, what is the polite way to approach them (a stranger at a bar, for example)?

Don’t approach anyone who is wearing Google glasses. Chances  are they are a cyborg or WORSE, probably sent here by Skynet to fuck shit up. And you don’t wanna  be around when that happens! Just get out of there. And FAST!!

 

My mom is dating a married man, and he has no intention of leaving his wife. He seems like a real shitbag. Is it cool for me to approach him directly to warn him off, or will this just result in my mom turning against me?

Your mom sounds like a pretty shitty person to be dating a married man, so who cares if she turns against you? You are better off without negative influences like her in your life. Cut the cord and move on. You have enough to worry about without trying to save your loser mom from her terrible dating choices all the time. You’re welcome.

 

Is it malicious to anonymously  order self-help books off Amazon  to be shipped to the homes of your enemies? Got any title suggestions?

I think you have it all mixed up. You don’t want to HELP your enemies! You want to CRUSH THEM. Sounds like you need to order your own self help book. Maybe “How to Not Help Your Enemies By Buying Them Gifts.”

 

When people make any reference to the way I look, I become intensely depressed. Is there a way to dissuade people from giving me compliments?

You get depressed when people compliment you? Easy fix. Stop washing your hair and face, for starters. Actually, stop washing EVERYTHING. Including your clothes. And stop changing clothes—whatever you have on right now is your new “forever outfit.” You will also save time and money by never having to buy new clothes or soap. I imagine it won’t take long at all for your new look and scent to stop eliciting any compliments. So long, depression!

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