Guidance Counseling: Screaming Females

Published  October 2014

Antigravity October 2014_Page_06_Image_0001This year’s Community Records Block Party will be headlined by Screaming  Females, a power trio (from Joizey!) featuring the giant guitar shredding (and vocals) of Marissa Paternoster. A road-tested heroine for the punk underground, we thought Marissa the perfect sage to take on this month’s seasonally affected. You can catch Screaming Females and the rest of the Block Party on Saturday, October 25th.

The other day I saw one of my co- workers spit in someone’s drink (we’re servers at a restaurant/ bar). I overheard her table and they were being pretty obnoxious and offensive… still, I find that a hard line to cross. I’m not sure how to broach the subject or if I even should. That’s some extreme behavior and I don’t feel comfortable working with someone who would do that. Should I say something?

Hmmm. That’s a rough one. I was a waitress for a short time, and I certainly met a few rude customers, but I never felt compelled to soil their food. That being said, I did accidentally make a pot of coffee with bleach instead of water… once. Anyway, if I were in your shoes I’d probably saunter up to that drool- fueled coworker of mine and be all, “Dude, that was gross. You’re gross. Why did you have to do something so gross? I’m totally barfing in my mouth right now and it’s solely because you’re so nasty.” Working in food service can be the pits when patrons are rude. It’s easy to understand why your co-worker wanted to salivate into their cup, but, save your spit for the cops, man.


My girlfriend really likes to use those sticks that sit in a glass of scented oil stuff, but personally I find the odor way too strong and hard to be around. But she loves it! Is our relationship doomed?

Those things suck. They smell like disinfectant at a retirement home. If your girlfriend likes refreshing scents, but only in stick form, I recommend Palo Santo incense sticks. I have those in my room and they smell good as hell. It’s more of a rustic scent, though. They are not as fruity as those twigs in a jar. If she doesn’t like the Palo Santo sticks, you guys should probably break up. My ex-girlfriend really liked non-scented detergent and I’m so much happier now that my clothes smell like a fresh spring breeze. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Sorry.


My husband takes Ambien sometimes and it makes him pretty loopy before he passes out, never remembering what he said the next day. Should I use this time to ask him questions, like he’s on a truth serum? Would that be unfair?

Wow! Ambien is so fun! My Grandma gives them to me when I have to go on long plane rides. One time a Croatian border patrol officer caught me with one pill wrapped in saran  wrap, but he let me go once I said “GRANDMA” and “PLANE” to him really loud several times. What a nice guy! They are really fun to mix with alcohol! Maybe you should try that with your husband and see if you can get even more dirty details out of him! I recommend tiny bottles of the shittiest merlot or cabernet you can find. A pinot will not suffice; neither will a shiraz. He’ll be spilling the beans in no time. Better yet, y’all should go on a mystic journey together and you should board the Ambien Magic Carpet with him. Strength through pharmaceutical solidarity!


Antigravity October 2014_Page_06_Image_0002Ello. Should I join? I am getting kind of tired of Facebook but is it worth the trouble?

I don’t know what the fuck that is. I have a flip phone.


My band’s about to go on tour, mostly in Texas… which is kind of a problem for me because there’s an outstanding warrant for me in that state, for an unpaid speeding ticket. How do I tell my bandmates that a) I can’t drive in Texas legally and b) I might go to jail if we’re pulled over or hassled by the cops for any reason? I’m worried I’ll be considered dead weight and/or a liability.

Holy cow! How much is this speeding  ticket for? How fast were you going? If your bandmates cannot seem to comprehend why having you behind the wheel could compromise the entire tour, maybe you should  reconsider the company you keep. If they ditch you because of this small bump in the road, I’ll say it again, reconsider the company you keep. It doesn’t sound like a very big deal to me, honestly. Ya’ll be careful, drive the speed limit, don’t carry drugs in the van, and keep it cool while you’re in Texas. You’ll be fine. Sometimes my bandmates don’t let me drive in big cities because I’m really bad at driving and also too short to see over the wheel. You see, it’s all about  compromise. We’re all trying to stay alive so we can shred for one more day. Keep the dream alive!


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