Guidance Counseling: Dan Deacon

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Published  April 2015

antigravity_vol12_issue6_Page_08_Image_0001 Part computer whiz, part musical purist, Dan Deacon is all manipulator, a dealer in pliable soundwaves. A master of instruments as varied as keyboard and tuba, his trademark live shows are known for extensive audience participation and sweaty exuberance. You can drink it all in when you catch him this month at the Republic on Tuesday, April 21st. Dan is touring in support of his new album Gliss Riffer (out on Domino), which Dan recorded while on the road opening for Arcade Fire. Dear readers, open your minds and relax your buttholes. Your problems are now in the magic hands of Dan Deacon.


 

My husband and I have opposite work schedules, me during the day, and him overnight. We make the most of our moments together during the week, and we have every other weekend to spend together. He’s just been offered a promotion which will keep him on nights indefinitely and take away those two weekends we have together. The income increase will be substantial if he takes the position, and it’s an important step in his career, but I’m really worried about the toll this may take on our marriage. What can I do?

Being a person that travels for a living, I have to often think about the value of time and the cost of losing that time at home. It’s an insanely difficult time of one’s life when two dreams intersect but then begin to drift out of phase. It’s so hard to be faced with the challenge of knowing that both dreams must either compromise each other or realizing not everything can happen at once and you must choose a path that will bring you closer to one but deviate you from the other. The best thing you can do is ritual magic and spell casting. With this you can haunt and possess your husband’s boss. Once they’re a living corpse of you to puppeteer, compel them into giving your husband a schedule that doesn’t totally eat shit. You can even have the boss grow into a series of hell hounds that you can use to hunt poltergeists with. Summer is coming up soon! Also, if your husband also gets into the spirit and is good at the dark arts then perhaps the both of you can shatter time all together and live forever on the eternal plane of probabilities as a merged spirit of unknown power. If you’ve tried the dark arts and failed then maybe your husband could realize love and quality time is more important than success and that money is merely a device created to steal time from others.

 

My roommate likes to play online FPS games in his room. No problem. But, sometimes he gets a little intense over the headset, swearing up a storm and shit- talking the other online gamers in a pretty foul way. Which is all kind of awkward when I have someone over, especially someone I’m trying to get romantic with. Otherwise he’s a good roommate, clean and everything. How can I ask him to tone it down without sounding like an asshole?

I don’t think you need to worry about sounding like an asshole as it sounds like your roommate is the asshole. Maybe try “I couldn’t help but notice you screaming like an insane person all the time while playing videogames, like how a spoiled child would. Some of us are trying to get laid, so please stop shouting and cursing out 14 year olds because you suck at Team Fortress 2. Thanks for being clean and shit but I’d rather you leave little dishes in the sink than have you screaming like you’re a character in 12 Monkeys all the fucking time.”

 

I started a new job toward the end of last year and one of the first social events I took part in was the company Mardi Gras party. Over-eager to endear myself to my new coworkers, I drank way too much and ended up blacking out. According to everyone else, I was loud and belligerent and made fun of several upper-managers, none of which I remember at all. The aftermath was that many in the office were impressed and entertained by my drunken actions, many were unsettled, and a few were quite offended. I’ve proven myself to be a good worker and I’ve apologized profusely to those I insulted, but I can’t seem to shake the ‘crazy party girl’ fame gained in one night of bad decisions. Is there any way I can hit reset on my workplace reputation?

I had a friend who had a very similar problem. Just get creepily religious for a week or so. Maybe keep switching between religious extremes. It’s important to go all out. After this come to work dressed like Abe Lincoln, have dried blood on your face and hands and do magic tricks, really sick magic tricks (important). This should reset the party image pretty quick. Also stop drinking so much, know your limits.

 

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 12 years, and we made the decision early on not to get married. We just don’t see the need to have a ceremony or sign a contract to affirm our love. My parents don’t really understand our desire to refrain from marrying, but they have always respected our decision. That is, until my girlfriend became pregnant. All the “traditional values” that my parents were politely mute about for the last decade have been released full force via calls, emails, and texts full of skewed statistics about children’s well-being and judgment of our “lifestyle choices.” I’ve tried to make it clear that our family makeup is our decision, but they won’t relent. I want my child to have a relationship with his/ her grandparents, but frankly, I don’t even know if my girlfriend can handle their constant judgment on top of the stress of pregnancy and birth. Is there some way to make them understand how important their support—and not their stress—will be in the coming months?

I think you trick your parents. Write a play about two people getting married and cast you and your wife as the stars of the play! Don’t let your parents know it’s a play. I mean like, marriages are just sort of weird plays anyway, right? This is a win-win because your parents will want to invite everyone you know and this way your play will be PACKED!

 

My brother’s a recovering drug addict, and he’s doing a pretty good job of it on this particular stretch. However, one of his friends, an enabler and someone whom my brother had to cut out of his life to stay sober, has started coming around again. He says he just wants to get advice from my brother about his own problems, but I’m pretty confident that if they start hanging out together, it’s all going to go downhill all over again. But I don’t want to be too harsh if the guy is really trying to get help. He’s just hard to trust, you know? What do you think?

Follow your boy Robert Durst’s lead and get a really good latex mask of your brother’s beautiful face made. In fact, get a whole replica of your brother’s perfect body made. Crawl into that wonderful suit and then meet with ‘the friend’ and see ‘what’s up.’ If their intentions are true and they just want advice on getting sober, getting healthy and balance within their life then you are good to go. Just use some powder shit that ninjas have and disappear in a cloud of cool smoke. If the friend is actually going to pull your brother down, back into the darkness of addiction, then shrink down real small (like air) and get inside their mind through the blood and change their thoughts to be all about baseball or wet cloth. This can take a while so stretch a lot before hand. A LOT.

 

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