I know that purchasing and writing in this greeting card are both grave sins, but I thought it was worth risking a night or two in the prayer closet to wish you a happy Mothers’ Day. You’re not just any delusional psychopath projecting the shame of your youthful indiscretions onto an innocent child; you’re my delusional psychopath projecting the shame of your youthful indiscretions onto an innocent child. Tommy’s taking me to prom tonight, so don’t wait up.
You’ve got to stop dwelling on it. We didn’t do anything and besides, I helped you ditch Biff and marry Dad. All’s well that ends well, right? Happy Mothers’ Day.
Danny’s not here, but he wishes you a Happy MotherrrREDRUM REDRUM REDRUM
Queen and Mother To Us All:
I am forever grateful to have been incubated in your ovipositor, hatched into endoparasitic larva, and allowed to burst out of the host’s chest cavity in order to serve you and the Hive above all else. I may only be a bipedal eusocial insectoid warrior drone, hellbent on the propagation of our species and the destruction of all others, but thinking of you on this Mothers’ Day causes my inner jaws to quiver in fondness.
hhhhHappy Mothers’ Dayyyyyy. pppppPlease tell that crazy medium to hurry up and save meeeeee. iiiiiiIII don’t mind the poltergeists, or even the demon Beast, but I don’t think I can take much more of the spirit realm’s digital reverse echooooooo. uuuuuUghhhhhh!
This Mothers’ Day, you should just rest and enjoy the day. Seriously, please just stay home.