To counter declining attendance rates and profits, major U.S. theme parks are exploring a more economical approach to the design of new attractions this summer. Inspired by Hollywood and beyond, park engineers are busy developing innovative ride concepts to minimize expense while maximizing fun!
Mad Max: Ride the Fury Road™
To simulate the experience of George Miller’s gas-guzzling desert dystopia, each rider is dressed in ill-fitting bondage gear, strapped into a child’s Big Wheel© and dropped into heavy rush-hour traffic.
Six Flags: California Water Adventure™
Due to imposed drought restrictions, Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia is unveiling the world’s first dry water park. Guests can scoot their way down a dry water slide, mill about in the waterless wave pool, or sit in a sun-baked inner- tube until the skin on their legs and lower back is seared clean off. Fun for the whole family!
Fifty Shades of Basic™
Universal Orlando is no stranger to corporate sponsorship of its attractions, but the Fifty Shades adventure will expand the concept of masochistic capitalism far beyond the realms of comfort, safety, and good taste. Riders will be clamped into a St. Andrew’s Cross, flogged with a Burberry scarf, barraged with unnecessarily abbreviated adjectives, and doused in boxed cupcake wine until the burdens of critical thought and individual self have been replaced by a more unsophisticated penchant for all things Kardashian and Pumpkin Spice.
Furious 7: Siiiiick, Bro™
In an experience audiences are calling “exactly like the movie,” riders sit helplessly between their failed-to-launch man-child cousins Chad and Travis who provide a play-by-play account of the Fast and Furious final chapter, complete with car sound vocalizations and a liberal peppering of street racing jargon that will turn on the sickest NOS in your mind, brah. Don’t miss the ride’s emotional finale: squirm uncomfortably while C-man and the Trav punch chests and tough-cry their way through Paul Walker’s final on-screen moments.
Interstellar: A Ride A Ride A Riiide™
In a rebranding of previous True Detective and car commercial-themed rides, Interstellar riders are confined in a vehicle with Matthew McConaughey while he waxes existential until the rest of the world is a vacuum. Sponsored by Lincoln™
American Griper: Open Carry™
Strap on your highest caliber Freedom™ and come to the in-park Chick-fil-A for a good meal and a good old fashioned complaining. Discuss the finer points of 2nd Amendment rights, bemoan the inevitable collapse of Western society thanks to socialist welfare, and suggestively accentuate the president’s middle name, all while eating yourself into a diabetic coma. Not recommended for commie libruhls or for’ners.
Taken: Money™ Concessions
You won’t believe your family has been taken yet again by Cedar Point’s certain set of skills in child-focused marketing, as you shell out another $20 for two commemorative mugs of watered-down fountain soda.