Humor: Don Donnie’s Discount Halloween Costumes

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Published  October 2015

antigravity_vol13_issue10_Page_50_Image_0001SEXY COUNTY CLERK

Materials: piously formless thermal sweater; ankle-length skirt; persecution complex to obscure muddled understanding of law; Pentecostal hair.

Description: best when incorporated into a group with at least two grandstanding Republican politician costumes, spend the evening putting your comfortably-shod foot down when it comes to personal beliefs. Even if it’s not your party, feel free to veto all costumes that offend you for any reason.

Catchphrases: burst into tears.

 

FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYER

Materials: favorite team jersey (unwashed, so as not to jinx anything); smartphone, TV, and tablet on at all times; family you no longer recognize.

Description: circumnavigate the party glued to your phone, pausing only to yell triumphantly or curse bitterly whenever it gets quiet. Be sure to present an air of distracted stress and commit to investing only about 10% of your attention span to anything other than football.

Catchphrases: be sure to pepper “costly turnover” into conversation, and tell party  beer-runners to stop “milking the clock” and “go out and execute.”

 

ROACH SWARM (group costume)

Materials: assorted black and brown clothing; ability to fly.

Description: invade the party all at once, move with supernatural speed and with no discernible plan or pattern until partygoers are sufficiently horrified, disappear behind  furniture until everyone calms down, then repeat until party is cleared out.

Catchphrases: the low hum of giant wings, forever embedded in the collective psyche.

 

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MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVIST

Materials: jar of red pills; lifesize straw feminist; quivering, delicate masculinity.

Description: stalk through the party, directing your perma-sneer toward all the feminazis and white knights who definitely exist and are certainly not merely projections of a sexually frustrated manchild.

Catchphrases: “What do you mean you won’t go home with me? Institutional misandry!!!

 

WICKED WHICH

Materials: items from several different store-bought costumes that you couldn’t decide between; general ambivalence; black pointy hat.

Description: walk around the party holding your hands up in an exaggerated shrug, stare  indecisively at groups of people and party snack options.

Catchphrase: “It is what it is.”

 

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