Humor: Don Donnie’s Discount Christmas

Published  December 2015

Avoid the consumerist hellscape of traditional gift giving this year, and ring in the holiday season with these budget-friendly alternatives:

ANTIGRAVITY-DECEMBER2015-WEB_Page_46_Image_0003Jedi Master Toy Lightsaber™

The little Luke or Leia on your list pines for an overpriced plastic replica of the iconic plasma sword, but there’s no need to brave the Toys “R” Us Star Wars aisle and spend 50 bucks on something that will suck down 6 AAA batteries at a time. Instead, take the cardboard tube at the center of a roll of wrapping paper  and entwine it with Christmas tree lights. Your child’s need to play near the outlet will be a useful lesson on the limits of hope and imagination. The eventual sagging and folding of the tube under the stress of swinging it around will help your little one prepare for the fleeting nature of life’s few joys. “It’s the void you’re looking for.”©

PlayStation 4™

Why risk life and limb in the Best Buy holiday melee for this trendy, ADD – stimulating console? Games eventually get beaten, and carefully constructed multiplayer characters reach their maximum levels. Produce the same carpal tunnel, vitamin D deficiency, and raised BMI by working some overtime in your soul-sucking office job. WorkStation.©

Play All Day Elmo™ANTIGRAVITY-DECEMBER2015-WEB_Page_46_Image_0002

Your toddler is at that stage where she has a handful of activities and phrases that run on constant repeat, so it seems reasonable to buy her a doll that does the same thing, maybe even a little bit out of spite. But you can easily avoid spending $42 and suffering the indignity of the Walmart toy section: just set a trap for that  racoon that gets into the trash every night, and douse it in red paint. Not only will the small mammal respond to tickling and cuddling in a much more varied and realistic way than Elmo, your child will learn the important life lesson of when to stop tickling and cuddling, and she’ll learn some important facts about first aid and rabies treatment. “From Playsk- ow! Ow! OW!” ©

Apple iPhone 6S™

Camping overnight outside the Apple Store for the latest shiny personality- replacer is tacky and frankly, a waste of money. For a fraction of the cost, you can achieve the same disconnection from humanity, eye strain, and permanent neck injury by just staring up at the sun until you go blind. Enjoy the literal “retina  display,” a hallucinatory kaleidoscope that heralds the fade to black. As an added benefit, no one will try to sell you a protection plan or accessories. “Think indifferent.”©


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