EMMET, ID —Ammon and Ryan Bundy, still reeling from their militia’s failed takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, presented a “redress of grievances,” and promised armed occupation of their corner of the dining room table until such a time that family matriarch Carol Bundy relinquish her tyrannical clean plate rule and allow for the consumption of candy.
LOS ANGELES—Rising early on Easter morning, Beyoncé, Jay Z, and Blue Ivy enjoyed the traditional dyeing of eggs and subsequent lambasting for such an obvious image of anti-white violence.
WASHINGTON, DC—Just after sunrise, President Obama worked quietly to hide two dozen Supreme Court nominees in the foliage of the Capitol grounds in the hopes that Senators, amped up on Cadbury Cremes and jelly beans, would forget themselves and confirm one.
RIVERSIDE, CA— Daaaamn, Daniel! Back at it again with the sweet Easter suit. Daaaammmmmnnnnnn.
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis I celebrated the end of Lent by letting out a string of expletives and a huge fart, both of which he’d been holding in since Ash Wednesday.