A KILO OF KRATOM ACROSS AMERICA: ANOTHER GLAND TOUR DIARY

ANTIGRAVITY-JULY-2017-Gland-Polaroid1-by-Kallie

Gland, a van, a canal, Gland. That’s a palindrome, and we just got back from a 17-day tour across the Midwest and down the East Coast. Stardate: 42069. For those of you who don’t know us, our band is called Gland, and we are a “punk” band. It’s made up of Farra Mones (bass), Jean Trapezoid (drums), Sedef “Switch” Seren (guitar), andme, Kallie (guitar, vocals). We are a Leo, a Sagittarius, an Aries, and a Sagittarius, respectively. We like to have fun. We get along. We act bad. We read scary stories; we’re tough. Some of us can even look under a car hood and know what all those tubes are. One more thing: all references to drug use in this article are just like, metaphors for feelings. OK? Thanks. (city subtitles by Switch)


LITTLE ROCK
GLAND: u don’t have to feel embarrassed about liking us

Tour always starts out with a lot of anxiety about leaving and forgetting things and having no idea how it’s going to go and did I bring enough clothes and what if I lose my voice etc. etc. But when we got to the venue, a bunch of friendly people told us they were excited we were finally playing in Little Rock, which seemed like a good foot to start on. We all immediately went into the bathroom and Farra asked, “It’s just Glands in here, right?” before ripping a giant fart. A stall door opened, revealing a stranger to us; but she was chill about the fart and wound up being the singer of an awesome band called Dog Prison. Good first show and I had a strange dream about Jean living on a small island with a giant windmill.

ANTIGRAVITY-JULY-2017-Gland-Polaroid2-by-KallieKANSAS CITY
GLAND: be the dick you wish to see in the world

We’d been looking forward to this show for a while cuz it was a POOL PARTY!!! so we had many daydreams about cannonballing during guitar solos. KC is home to one of my favorite bands ever, Chasm, who we got to play with. We went to an amazing convenience store called Mr. Z’s: highly recommend if you’re ever there. The house we played at reeked of gross bro cum, but we endured. The pool was nowhere near the stage, so the cannonball dreams were shattered. The basement door was labeled “Cum Dungeon” with a graphic of Calvin pissing on it. Farra tagged GLAND on a weird suction dildo they had in place of a shower head in the bathroom. Did “girls to the front” to combat the dude problem and had to toss a bro out for being a creep. Warm Bodies headlined and killed it; they had such a fun set. Cutie afterwards told me it was the first time she ever felt comfortable dancing at a show. And someone who had driven far to see us told me they had something they wanted to say to me but they were too shy and they never said it. I felt the same cuz I wanted to tell them how important they were to me, but they left before I got to say goodbye. Had a great egg sandwich in the morning.

ST. LOUIS
GLAND: we have great butts

We got to play at a house called Bonerville, which is a long-running and women-run DIY space. It had super chill femme vibes and I’m so appreciative of that, especially after playing the Cum Dungeon. We played with a band called Grown Men and I was so into their set. It turned out to be their last show and I just was so overwhelmed with luck and sadness and circumstance (and I had also smoked a lot of weed). Our set gave us a second night in a row of someone crowd surfing in a dingy basement while we played, which is fun as fuck. This was also the first night of tour I didn’t get shocked by the mic, which is a big deal, honestly. It makes your teeth feel like they’re breaking. Poor grounding or something. Anyways, we partied this night. Always nice when you get to crash at the venue. Wound up in an adorable slumber party with us and Meghan who runs the venue. Next day we went to City Museum which was definitely the coolest thing we did on tour. It’s basically a warehouse filled with tunnels and slides that are elaborately-themed and decorated and organized, and you just get to climb on shit and explore and go through trap doors; I felt like I was LARPing. I was LARPing, honestly. I was. I was like, “my dexterity is sick right now.” I climbed on shit until I could literally climb no more and I almost turned into a puddle in the middle of climbing a huge spiral tube that led to a gigantic praying mantis. But I made it and took a ten story slide down back to the car. Switch bought some water shoes and was super excited about it.

We had to kick a guy out during our set (classic Gland) and immediately played “DREAM,” a.k.a. Dudes Ruin Everything Around Me.

CHICAGO
GLAND: no bitch left behind

Played at a very cool DIY space called Situations. They had twin black cats. Milk hooked us up with this show and his friend David made a million cookies—some of them with Nerds— which everyone agreed was confusing and wrong, except Farra and Jean, who both liked it. Incredible Raincoatsesque band called Vacuum played. Their singer’s name was also Kallie, and their bass player’s name was Tara, which made me feel insane, cuz it was day four and I started feeling like I was dreaming everything. This show ran super late and we wound up just getting drunk in a parking lot, which is always nice. I wound up with my shirt off with Jean spitting beer into my mouth. It was the full moon in our sun signs (Sagittarius) so… yeah. This was very fun, but my bra smelled like beer for a solid week, and I wore it anyways. I tried to wash it in a sink; it made it worse. It was a whole thing. But it was still fun and I’d do it again.

GRAND RAPIDS
GLAND: can sleep while on molly

My best friend of all time lives in Grand Rapids, which was our main reason for passing through. Grand Rapids is the best because everyone laughs at my jokes, even the Valvoline guys. We went to a public pool and swam before the show. Played with some cutie bands; Queen Bee Dream wore a cowboy hat and Farra described them as “Twin Peaks-y” and cried while they played. Switch wasn’t feeling well and someone at the party gave her molly, but she still wound up asleep on the couch throughout most of the show. She stayed in while the rest of us went to karaoke. I sang Kelly Clarkson. Jean sang Alicia Keys and my love for her continued to grow. Farra sang Harvey Danger, a classic and refined performance. A very roofied girl wound up being abandoned and treated like shit by the bar when they were closing. She was sick in the bathroom and the bartenders just wouldn’t help her at all. It had nefarious undertones, for sure. Farra and Jean got her in a cab and took her home. The next day we met a guy named Ivan whose band opened for Kid Rock at the release of Devil Without A Cause. Ivan was also my great-grandfather’s name.

ANTIGRAVITY-JULY-2017-Gland-Polaroid5-by-KallieDETROIT
GLAND: will eat burritos with yer dad at 3 a.m.

Detroit is a really beautiful city that is very sparsely populated, which makes it seem very surreal. We drove around the main roads with barely any cars or people on them, past huge Victorian brick houses that were mostly unoccupied. One of these houses was the venue we played at, Trumbullplex, which is a DIY space that’s been running for 24 years. I got really upset because I missed my dog. I walked around alone for a while and admired the building and the gardens and the brick walls. There was some graffiti that said “Detroit Rock City.” I needed to remember that, since all the bands we played with were very chill—which always makes me self-conscious. But I have to remember that people like our music and we like playing our music and that, even if what we’re doing is different from the other bands, I should not be shy about it. Jean is from outside of Detroit, and her mom’s childhood friend Laura came and she and I had super deep talks about family and betrayal and hormones and having children and depression and getting old—a highlight of the tour for me. Stayed at Jean’s childhood home, which is essentially a hobbit hole with a circular door and everything. She and I stayed up til 4 a.m. looking at her mom’s rock collection.

PITTSBURGH
GLAND: gets lit off that sphinx tit

The show was not very well attended, but my friend Nicole told us that we could get sponsored by Kratom if we e-mailed them, so overall I’d say it was a successful night. Beautiful sunset, also. Switch, Nicole, and I went to a cemetery to find this mausoleum of a sphinx with tits. We did molly there. Not off the tits. Pittsburgh is a beautiful city.

ANTIGRAVITY-JULY-2017-Gland-Polaroid6-by-KalliePROVIDENCE
GLAND: these darkweb benzos are chill

We took a whole day driving in order to have a day to lounge around before our Providence show. My friend Mary who plays in Gauche and Downtown Boys made a new band called Toxic Plants just so she could play this show with us. We spent the day before the show double featuring The Fifth Element and Repo Man. Mary’s band was so good; one-off bands are a real special treat. Milkmaid II and Death Bed were also very sick. After the show we all passed out while watching Friday. The next day, Farra mused at the diner about how kids having sex on a train would never listen to Phil Collins, like they do in Risky Business.

BROOKLYN
GLAND: what happened to Green Point?

Somebody from every part of my life lives in Brooklyn. I saw childhood friends, friends from college, friends I had met on Livejournal, New Orleans buds—idk why they all live in this city that is so expensive and has winter, but it’s nice to see so many people in one place. Everyone stands still and looks intense while you play for them, but afterwards always says how into it they are. People in KC and in St. Louis were crowd-surfing in basements… Buuuuuut we did get to play with this really incredible band called Psychos Only, which was like if Andy Kaufman fronted a sick punx band and I really loved it. Saw a cute yorkie that I accidentally scared.

BALTIMORE
GLAND: well the car broke down ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We had a situation about 55 miles outside of Baltimore where Jean was reading me a scary story with a confusing family tree, and while trying to get the characters organized, I didn’t realize the car was overheating until smoke started coming out of the hood. Or was it a ghost??? No, it was smoke. Classic Gland style: everyone was just nonchalant about it and we found some dead butterflies on the ground while Switch called AAA cuz she’s responsible and was the only one with AAA. Got towed into town to our friends’ cool warehouse space. One of three “cool ‘90s loft” type apartments we stayed at this tour. How do people do it? I drank a lot of tequila and forgot to eat dinner, setting myself up for the only hangover of tour, which was a fuckin’ doozy. Woke up the next day and relieved my stomach before going to Wilder’s Automotive and Racing, where they sensually instructed us that we needed more coolant. I stared at the mechanic’s humongous hands and all he asked for payment was for us to have a happy Father’s Day, immediately drying up any feelings I had developed for him.

ANTIGRAVITY-JULY-2017-Gland-by-KalliePHILADELPHIA
GLAND: 1-225-GET-ACAB

Despite my horrible hangover the entire way into town, we arrived to Philly in good spirits, excited to see our friend Michelle who just moved there from New Orleans. We wandered around South Street looking for a high hat clutch for Jean and saw a lot of cool sexy stores with clothes that left the body bare in very interesting spots (like, only around the belly button… oooh baby). Lots of mesh and harnesses; I dug it. We all dugged it. Goddess Michelle nursed me back to health with weed and curried lentils and we played one of the best lineups of tour. Jenny Jones World, upbeat and nostalgic punk. Ramona Cordova, beautiful queer synth pop band. Headlining was Pinkwash, basically the Caddywhompus of Philly but with a lot more Sabbath influence. Would have been a perfect show if someone didn’t grab Jean’s backpack with her wallet and phone. Got to decompress at Michelle’s by petting her amazing dog and she accidentally ordered the most disgusting pizza of all time—so gross that her dog wouldn’t even eat it. Et tu, Brutus?

SYRACUSE
GLAND: REALLY MISSING MY MOM TODAY

Left Philly early to book it to Syracuse cuz my mom was having a memorial BBQ for my grandpa, which we had to book our whole tour around cuz, y’know, moms. Glad to do it, though. Got to eat a Coney hot dog and see a lot of extended cousins who insisted I was famous. Yes, the glamorous and famous life of Gland: where we use our band fund to buy 30 racks of Hamm’s so it’s easier to pass out on a hardwood floor. But, they’re all sweet. A lot of my childhood friends came to the show that night, which was a house venue that hadn’t been around when I was a kid; it was definitely the nicest basement of tour. We played with two amazing bands: Marco Polio, who are Mountain Goats-inspired pop punks, and Gun Candy, who are banshee-fronted hardcore with a girl named Kathy screeching so loud you could hear her above the blaring metal riffs, despite her mic not working. Gun Candy is the only band all four of us bought a t-shirt from; we were all obsessed. My mom, brother, step-dad, and sister-in-law were all there. It made me happy.

D.C.
GLAND: can’t do a 90 mile drive in less than 7 hours

D.C. fuckin rules. We played at Comet Ping Pong, home to the actually horrible Pizzagate scandal which you should Google if you’re not familiar. A lot of strong and resilient political punks in DC. I love a good lizard person conspiracy, but there are some real monsters in the world who take real action based on some unbelievable shit. My favorite type of audience member was in attendance: weird teen with their parents! Played with the incredible Big Hush from DC and Steph Churra from Detroit. Had the best post-show chill night at Jean’s friend Brendan’s house, where we ripped mad bongs and watched Missy Elliott videos for hours. A sexy dude made unbroken eye contact with me while he ate a cookie, and that was cool. Farra revealed to us that she had masturbated in the car while we were all in it and nobody was mad. I’m actually kind of proud of her bravery.

RICHMOND
GLAND: a dog party is a party for dogs

Woof. Some shit kinda went down this night. I got in a situation with some people who disagreed with some beliefs I have about the police (a.k.a. ACAB). And even though I was being the super nicest I’ve ever been about it, I still had a room full of strangers telling me that sometimes it’s a good idea to call the cops and that I’m an asshole. This happened while I was running merch and none of the other Glands were there! But when I filled them in later they all had my back which is obviously validating as fuck. We ended the night chillin’ at a cutie queerdo palace with one of the best road dogs we met, a 90-pound white and brindle-spotted pit named Mama.

ANTIGRAVITY-JULY-2017-Gland-Polaroid6-by-KallieASHEVILLE
GLAND: it didn’t feel good but I did it

Got to drive into the Appalachian mountains while a soft and foggy rain surrounded us; that shit was beautiful. Asheville is definitely paradise. I started feeling a little overwhelmed about tour being over. Every town we went to, nobody knew me. Everyone was nice and friendly and those who weren’t—weren’t my problem. My band was so supportive and fun and I never get to spend this much time with them. Once we’re back to New Orleans it will just be back to me hanging out alone all the time, working to serve assholes and being too exhausted and traumatized to be social. Finally, for the first time in what seems like forever, I feel calm and level-headed, instead of overwhelmingly depressed and hopeless. I got freaked out thinking about my happiness (classic Kal Pal) and had to sit in the car alone for a while. Once I got over it, I was able to really enjoy the show. It was packed. Switch has a lot of friends here and they really showed up. We had to kick a guy out during our set (classic Gland) and immediately played “DREAM,” a.k.a. Dudes Ruin Everything Around Me. The night ended with a dance party and a dude asked to grind on me. I told him it was $20 and he told me I was in the wrong place. Joke’s on him cuz I didn’t have to dance with him. Stayed up late doing dabs and talking with our hostess Sadie, who started the night grilling veggie dogs and telling us about the chemical that makes stinging nettles sting. She then gutturally screamed for 30 minutes as the front person of the headlining band Uninhabitable, and finished by talking about working at the Renaissance Faire as a teen (very cool) and generally bullshitting with me til 3 a.m. She also is from Baton Rouge and has a huge tattoo of a crawfish boil on her thigh. We had a 14 hour drive back to New Orleans because we forgot to book an Atlanta show. It felt good driving back into the city. We listened to very romantic (cheesy) songs as we went over the Causeway. We dropped Farra off first. I only mention that because it’s one of the last things we did, and I’m sad that it’s almost the end of the story. Jean ate a fig from the tree outside. I got dropped off next. Said bye. It’s strange to go back to being a singular person after being in a four person pod for 17 days. My dog looked at me like I was a ghost and hugged me all night.

Gland’s Is a Conspiracy is a 7” out now on Community Records. For more info, check communityrecords.org and Facebook (@glandband666).

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